1^st Mrs. Mop: Excuse me my good woman…..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Yes, excuse me my good woman …….

Steph: ‘Ere, ‘oo are you callin’ a good woman?

3^rd Mrs. Mop: Yeah! That’s right. She ain’t nobody’s good woman, she ain’t!

Train Guard: Nah then, me lords and ladies, settle dahn, settle dahn! We ain’t ‘avon’ no altercation ‘ere! Officers! Get rid of the ole dear ‘ere!

PC 49: Nah then, missis, is you comin’ with us …..

PC Plod: Or …. does we ‘Ave To use force!!!!!!

Steph: No, no, it’s a fair cop …. I’ll come along quietly!!! (escorted off … left right, etc.)

1^st Mrs. Mop: Right, that’s got rid of the riff – raff …

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Good, she gives me the heeby-jeebies!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: Right, come on girls, we’ve got work to do.

1^st Mrs. Mop: That’s right, we’ve got …..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: …. a few thank you’s

3^rd Mrs. Mop: …. to make!

Watson: Exactly so ……..

Holmes: I detect that the band should be thanked ……

1^st Mrs. Mop: Exactly so…..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Mr. ‘Olmes

3^rd Mrs. Mop: … and we’ll begin’ with finger Willshaw ….

1^st Mrs. Mop: …..and toes ….

2^nd Mrs. Mop: yeah! …. don’t forget the toes …..

Watson: Amazing, Holmes, you never told me about this before!

Holmes: Well, one doesn’t want to embarrass the pianist by having her toes exposed!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Exactly so …..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: …. so give ‘er some flowers …..

3^rd Mrs. Mop: .. to keep her quiet!

All: What a relief!

1^st Mrs. Mop: … an while yer at it …..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: …. give that nice Mr. ‘Odgson a bottle of wine …..

3^rd Mrs. Mop: … for playin’ the guitar!

All Mops together: Yer agin’ well, duckie!

PC Plod: Warra about the drummer!

PC 49: Right, all drummers stand to attention!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Don’t you bother duckie …..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Yeah! It’s nice to see someone young in the orchestra!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: So ‘ave a bottle of wine ….

Mops: (together) So you can end up lookin’ like the guitarist!!

Watson: Holmes …. who’s next?

Holmes: Traditionally this would ne scenery and lightin!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Good! Now get out those nice teachers …..

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Miss Hardcastle, Miss Robinson, Miss Smart, Mrs Syers and Mrs. Brittain

3^rd Mrs. Mop: Are we givin’ all this lot flowers?

Watson: I say, Holmes, are we givin’ all these lot flowers?

Holmes: Well, I detect they were all involved in producing the scenery!

1^st Mrs. Mop: That’s right, duckie, so ….

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Come ‘an get yer flowers …..

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ‘n thanker fer yer ‘elp! ‘Ave yer thought of joinin’ Mrs. Tingay’s Water Colour Club?

Mops: (together) It might ‘elp next time!

Watson: I say, Holmes, who’s next?

Holmes: I suspect the chief slapper….. Mr. Grassam!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Yes! Come on duckie ………

2^nd Mrs. Mop: … yer’ve done a crackin’ job …..

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ….. of cracking out the slaps ……

Mops: (together) So ‘ave a bottle of wine on the’ouse!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Right, that’s it then!

2^nd Mrs. Mop: No it ain’t!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ‘Cos we’ve still got to thank the Special Needs Teachers …..

1^st Mrs. Mop: ‘Ooo are they?

2^nd Mrs. Mop: Mrs. Syers and Mrs Bortoft!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: What’ve they done, Mr. ‘Olmes?

Watson: Come on Holmes, tell ,em ……

Holmes: Well, Watson, I detect they’ve been instrumental in maintaining costumes and props, as well as being decorative on stage, along with other members of staff!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Well done ……

2^nd Mrs. Mop: ….you two ……

3^rd Mrs. Mop: …. you deserve a medal …….

Mops: (together) …. if you could spell it! Come ‘an get your flowers!!

1^st Mrs. Mop: That’s it then!

2^nd Mrs. Mop: We can go ‘ome now!

Holmes: Er –hum! If I might interrupt, my good woman!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ‘Ere, ‘oo are you callin’ a good woman?

Watson: Steady on, Holmes, they’re still a bit techy, you know!

Holmes: I do apologise, ladies, but what about the gentleman operating the video camera?

Watson: Quite so, Holmes, I believe he deserved something in the way of a thank you! After all, he’s got some stunning shots of me!

Mops: (together) NEVER!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Well, for the first thing …’E don’t count!

2^nd Mrs. Mop: ‘Cos ‘ee’s from Wheatcroft!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ..An they don’t ‘ave no gentlemen at Wheatcroft!

Holmes: Oh! Point taken!

Watson: Quite so!

1^st Mrs. Mop: So, if yer’ll stop interferin’ …….

2^nd Mrs. Mop: We’ll get on, ‘cos there is someone else who is important …

3^rd Mrs. Mop: Yeah! The GOOD WOMAN ‘oo fixed our ‘air.

Mops: (together) Come on down duckie!

1^st Mrs. Mop: I thought mine looked splendid …….

2^nd Mrs. Mop: ….. an’ mine looked better ……

3^rd Mrs. Mop: ….. an’ mine looked even better than that!

Mops: (together) So thank you very much!

1^st Mrs. Mop: Right, that’s it ….

2^nd Mrs. Mop: We can go ‘ome now!

3^rd Mrs. Mop: Thank goodness!

Max & Annabelle Smug (together )Excuse us, my good women, if we might interrupt ……

Max: You see, you’ve kindly thanked all the common riff-raff …..

Annabelle: And quite right too, the commoners should be rewarded for their efforts ..

Max: But you have singularly failed to acknowledge ……

Annabelle: The important part played by the chief executive of this organisation …..

Max: The jolly good Miss Brown!

Annabelle: So, if you’ll kindly step aside, and allow us …..

Max: We will present the only really important thanking gift!

Max & Annabelle Smug (together ) Come along now, my good women, shooo!

Mops: (together) Humph!

Max & Annabelle Smug (together ) and would the nice Miss Brown please step forward ……..

Annabelle: We would like to thank you for tutoring us in deportment ….

Max: Social airs and graces …..

Annabelle: The correct pronunciation of our vocabulary …..

Max: Excellent manners at the dining table ……

Annabelle: How to behave in front of our betters ……

Max: And how to deal with those beneath us …..

Annabelle: So please, on our behalf, accept these flowers ….

Max: …. and this bottle of wine!

Max & Annabelle Smug (together )And, now, please …. BUZZ OFF !!

Max: (departing with Annabelle) I think that put her firmly in her place, sister dear!

Annabelle: You’re absolutely right, Max, dear brother.

Max & Annabelle Smug (turning back to the audience together )This IS the end of our play, good night!