Jokey Smo was sitting in his chair reading The Daily Mail. His eye was pulled forcefully away by an advert.

£500 for anyone willing to stay

In Darkwood Manor for one

Night!

And remember, folks, that only the

First forty applicants can come along

And enjoy some of life’s only pleasures

At Darkwood Manor

Jokey quickly got up and made a skip towards a cupboard. He ran and tripped over the television "OUCH!!!!!" he screamed. "Must write letter to...who?" he picked up the newspaper and took a look. "C. Brown sounds pretty normal!" he said.

He looked at the paper and wrote.

Dear Mr Brown,

I would like to apply for the one night in Darkwood Manor. The picture in the Daily Mail shows off and gives you a good idea about it. I would really like to stay.

If I could just have some more details. I could be walking into a real deathtrap.

Also, what leisure facilities are there? I want a bit of pleasure while I’m there.

Yours sincerely,

Jokey Smo

Jokey was pleased with what he had written.

Jokey woke up that morning, greeted by the waves from the dirty, cold sea. Jokey Smo lived in an old boat resting until repair at Scarborough Harbour. He worked boat keeper. He got out of bed and entered the living room. Where he could go up to the west pier by going up a ladder, and climb through a trapdoor.

He looked around and sat down, he waited a while and then got up and went to the kitchen, which had several patterns printed upon the beige walls, and a white cooker, fridge-freezer, micro & browner, and a little dishwasher. He opened a cupboard and took the cereal out, just as he’d tipped up the box up, there was a knock on the roof. Jokey put the box down and went into the living room, up the ladder and opened the trapdoor.

"Mr Smo, it’s George, the postman."

"Coming!" he said

He opened the trapdoor and poked his head up.

"Hello, Mr Smo," said George

"Hi," replied Jokey

George gave him a big parcel and a heap of letters. "Thanks, George, better get home before it starts raining."

"OK, Mr Smo."

He climbed down the ladder and looked at the big Royal Mail Postpak. It was from his sister, Dot. He put it aside, and looked at the letters "blimey, they’re all bills, gas, water, tax, car hire, and elecs. Letter from Darkwood Manor…wait…Darkwood Manor…hey…that’s not a bill! Unless they’re charging me for postage, I don’t think they are!" Said Jokey to himself quietly. He was shocked.

The venue for the grand meeting is The Swan Hotel, 8 Grosmont Road, Darkington-on-the-Moors, YO1 2SW. your questions will be answered for you, now. No leisure facilities, I’m afraid.

You will need bedclothes, a sleeping bag, a torch, and a bed pan.

C. Brown Darkwood Manor

Jokey waited for the thirteenth of July. Then researched for suitable transport solutions other than the boat, there was a river leading to Darkington-on-the-Moors, but it was too long. He caught the midnight train from Whitby; he’d got to Whitby by his boat.

He arrived at Darkington and went to a car hire. He found a battered old lime green vehicle. He looked at it and went to get a member of staff. He got a map and skidded to the Swan Hotel. He arrived and tried to open the door, it’d locked itself "OI!!!! OPEN!!! OPEN!!! OPEN!!!!!!" he shouted. After ten minutes of punching and kicking, it unlocked. He got out, and saw a fat man in posh red and gold clothes; he took his hand and shook it. "WELCOME TO THE SWAN!!!!!!"

"Thanks" said Jokey.

He went in and looked around. A person in a t-shirt came up to him, "hi, are you for Darkwood?"

"Yes,"

"Sign here, please." he requested.

He signed and walked on. There was a pink carpet outstretched on a great, wide floor. The walls were white and the lower part patterned with different vegetables, herbs and spices. He got a drink and looked around. He walked to a table where two smart men sat. "Hello, mind if I sit here?"

"No"

"Jokey Smo, from Scarborough,"

"Sam Iam, Dublin,"

"Harry Sackton, also from Scarborough,"

Dum, Dum, Dum, Mr Brown was tapping the microphone.

"No, I run a building, not a locksmith." Mr Brown shook the dust away from his face "a-a-a-any more?" the room went silent. "T-take not."

"He looks ill," said Sam

"Doesn’t go to kwik-fit?" replied Jokey

"I’m so sorry, your stay will be delayed until next week, bye!" he ran off.

There was an instant burst of violence, people rioted against each other as other people tried to hunt down Mr Brown, someone threw a chair at Jokey, he screamed as he ducked. Sam threw a table in the opposite direction as it almost hit him. Harry was knocked out as a bench hit his head. Jokey accidentally threw his rum and cherryade over a passing waiter.

Jokey drove into the Swan Car Park in his old, battered hire car. "Come on, UNLOCK YOU STUPID CAR!!!!"

"Sign here, please, Mr Smo. Again" the same man in t-shirt replied. "Hey, brov, dude," Jokey’s brother stood before him. He ran and fell over something, or someone. "Oh, Sam, thank god it’s you."

"Calm down, you haven’t been chased by a mad axeman or something? Have you?"

"No, my brother’s out there, I forgot he works for Darkwood enterprises."

"Tell me about that" Sam and Jokey walked to the table.

"h-h-h- OH Forget it. Welcome, welcome, welcome." Mr Brown had made a sudden entrance and an equally sudden exit. Everyone rushed to follow him. "What exactly does your brother do for Darkwood Manor enterprises?" Harry asked

"He’s Brown’s assistant. Big job, he gets paid a lot."

"Well maybe he knows why our visit is delayed." Sam suggested.

"Well, even if he did, he’ll have forgotten."

"W-W-WELL LADIES AND GENTS, SEVENTY YEARS OF HARD WORK!!! DARKWOOD MANOR!!!"

A cold man in rags opened the door. "Yes!" he said like a zombie. There was a silent pause. After two minutes of standing like stone statues, Mr Brown spoke "Eh, yes, c-c-c, JUST LET US IN!!!"

"OK, sir."

They walked in, a painting covered in mud greeted Jokey. He turned. There was a large row of paintings going down the long hallway towards the different rooms, it was like a corridor. One woman stood looking at a painting of different flowers, "oh, that’s pretty," she said. Jokey whispered into Sam’s ear "pretty awful."

Walking along he saw a wet area with dirty rubble crushing the thick red carpet, covered in smelly, damp, cold water. There was a long row of countless pictures. They came to a rotting brown door; the handle was a sphere of rust.

"Right, sir!" Mr Brown sat at the grey desk, and spoke into his mobile phone. "yep, hi Darcy, it’s Chris, can I speak to Spenny?" he sat silently "Hi, Spenny i-i-it’s Chris, hi, can you come round?" his hand shook wildly, he was very shaky the whole way through, "OK, right, I’ll see you in room 49 in the new wing, right, bye,"

"Who’s Spenny?" asked Jokey

"Dunno, probably, one of Brown’s cronies," replied Sam.

Mr Brown made another call.

"Hi, Steve, it’s Chris, arrange another meeting at the Swan for eight tomorrow morning." He took a deep breath and said "Sorry about that, guys." His eyes gleamed evilly under a light bulb, as it exploded. "Oh, no."

"Wow, bet they could sell this place on the antiques roadshow easily,"

They were safely installed into the ballroom. Mr Brown stood in the doorway. He spoke in a happy tone, "well, bye-bye," he walked away, a spring in his step.

The door clinked as Mr Brown kept turning the key "OH LOCK YOU STUPID DOOR!!!!" he bellowed wildly. The door locked. Jokey looked in his big leather bag, he pulled out a long metal pole, he stretched it out, there was a grabbing unit on the end. He pulled on the top of the ceiling. Then he shuffled around in the bag again and pulled out twenty metal, spiked pads, and stuck them in the wall. "Sam, Harry, come here."

"You fool, Jokey!!!" shouted Sam as he got to the first floor. "No, listen," there were voices coming from a room. "Kill any nosey idiot that, gets out of the ballroom, we can’t let anyone know!" one voice growled.

"Yes, sir," said another

"Oh, and, Spenny, be careful,"

"Always am, sir."

"Quickly!" hissed Jokey quietly.

"Blimey, this isn’t any pleasant party guest!" said Harry, hiding in a giant plant pot.

"Hey, what’s this hole?" said Spenny looking at the hole where the three had come up through. He was interrupted in working it out by a different looking, and sounding Mr Brown "Hey, Spenny, look!!!" he said.

"What?" he Replied.

"Come ‘ere."

"Quickly, they’re gone, oh-eh-no, OK, right, oh-go-no-thanks, Sam, Harry, they’re in another room, they’re busted." Jokey informed them. They ran into the room where Spenny and Mr Brown sat at a round table. Jokey, Sam, and Harry crawled behind a sofa into a wardrobe. "What is it, sir?" asked Spenny

"Watch and learn." said Mr Brown. He put a thing into a bowl of water; it turned the water instantly into steam. "Wow," and suddenly, Mr Brown put it to Spenny and he was burning, but Mr Brown stopped "If that’s what it does to humans, just imagine what it’ll do to our animal testing industry." said Mr Brown, Spenny rubbing his burnt face. "Any diseased animal burnt down dead; it could save a lot of money…"

"No, Graeme, you don’t run the animal testing, Chris does, and that is why I’m meeting him in the new wing."

"This isn’t Chris Brown." Said Jokey "It’s someone else,"

"Eh, sir" said Spenny

"What?" replied Mr Brown?

"Jokey Smo and his pals are on the first floor."

"WHAT!!!!" Mr Brown bellowed "THEY COULD HAVE GOT TO ANY OF THE PAPERS!!!" he paused"Consult Steve!"

"I don’t think that’s a good idea," said Spenny.

Jokey, Sam, and Harry went to the second floor "I hope this is safe," said Harry.

"So do I," said Jokey.

"Bone mining, uh," said Jokey. The three of them sat down, trying to figure out everything. "Why is Brown using that thing?"

"He said animal testing."

"Oh my-" said Harry looking out of the window. A graveyard. Makes this one hundred percent more uncomfortable."

"Look, a moose," said Jokey

"Oh, good, I’m hungry," replied Harry.

"No, that elk" there was an elk in the corner, chained to the rotting walls.

"Why’s that there?" asked Sam

"I don’t know, what an elk be doing in a run down building like this." said Jokey

"I don’t want to find out, let’s go up," said Harry.

"What is the building, now?" asked Sam.

"Game," said Jokey

"I know everything about guns." Jokey continued "This is one made by Tokygun of Tokyo. A WD40!"

"They’ve taken it too far!" shouted Mr Brown on the second floor "COME DOWN, SMO!!!!"

"Quickly, the guns loaded," said Jokey.

He shot at Spenny, it had hit, and he fell over. "GOTCHA!!!" He shot at Mr Brown. He’d vanished. Jokey got kicked into the wall; he felt the ground move beneath him. Mr Brown was standing a step away. It wasn’t the usual Mr Brown, his neck was thicker, his face was cold, especially the eyes, his hands didn’t shake. He wore all over green.

"Ready to die, Smo?!"

"No," said Jokey. Suddenly, Harry grabbed hold of Mr Brown. He fought until Mr Brown threw him off, he landed on floor, it had collapsed under him, and as he landed on the other floors, they collapsed too. He landed as he was crushed under piles of rubble "Harry, are you alive?" shouted Jokey.

"He’s dead, he wasn’t worth the bother."

Jokey punched Mr Brown, he fell to the floor. He got up "c’mon and fight, Smo." This wasn’t the usual voice of Mr Brown; it was tough, whereas Mr Brown’s was a faint stutter. Suddenly, Sam had a try of beating down Mr Brown, he managed to throw him down the hole Harry went down, as he let go, he slid towards a chestnut drawer. "I need to get Harry out of that rubble, he may still be alive." Shouted Jokey.

They ran down to the ground floor. When they arrived, Jokey pulled Harry’s body violently from the dusty, old rubble. He was dead, or was he? "Take these papers I found." He said, and then he did die. Sam pulled Mr Brown from the top. He tipped up and many notes and diaries fell from his pocket:

I shall make a deadly weapon, kill Chris Brown,

And all remaining staff, Charlie Kirk must go

First.

Another one.

Day 2: I’ve killed Charlie Kirk, I

Will need Steve Smo, to give out

The cheques.

Jokey could not believe what he had just read. He showed them to Sam, "No, he killed Kirk," he said.

"He may be the murderer, but he’s not behind the elk, or anything else."

"I suppose."

"What did Kirk do, though?"

"Work here, as a doorman."

"No, you idiot, why was he murdered,"

"Could’ve been blurting out secrets."

"Doubt it!"

"So do I!"

They entered a room where a dead body lay. It was (the real) Mr Brown in his faint tuxedo, the same scruffy hair.

"This is Mr Brown,"

"But that’s Brown back there,"

"No, it isn’t."

The clock chimed twelve O’ clock "Blimey, is that the time?" said Jokey,

"Wolves howls came in at midnight, they awoke the dead." Said Sam quietly and slowly.

"Hey, I never knew you wrote poems." No it says here.

I stood at eleven, the madman attacked me,

I killed him violently,

As he died, he said one word,

"Wolves"

Wolf’s howls came at midnight,

They awoke the dead,

They came after me,

And as they did,

Horrified me,

I will never come back,

As they made savage killings of my friends,

And I advise anyone else run away.

"This was written by D.D Cross, the only survivor of a great attack here in 1929. But what were the attackers?"

"Ghosts, zombies-"

"No, armies of men, let’s read on." said Sam.

They were evil, men, armies,

All after me and Johnny,

My best friend, I was spending my holiday in Darkwood Hotel,

With all my friends,

But two weeks on, the graveyard was swamped

With armies trying to stop

A gas bomb,

We went out,

But only I came back,

They were killed by people,

People who said

They were our friends.

I ran with the only remaining

Friend I had,

We ran and ran until we got

To the graveyard,

When British army men thought us

Were Germans about to

Launch the bomb,

They killed my friend,

As I ran inside the hotel,

The bomb was never launched,

And I will never return again.

"He was here in 1929, and look, there’s more."

I left the next morning, but guards

Tried to kill me, before

I

Could go home,

I felt the bullet go into me…

This journal was written just before

Mr DD Cross died.

He was killed by policemen in the army

In Darkington on "Wolf Night"

The eighteenth of June 1929.

"Wait a minute that says that wolves attack the manor on the eighteenth of June in each year, at midnight. OK, I’m afraid,"

"Why."

"It’s almost midnight, it’s the eighteenth of July, Brown’s delayed us a week to use are bones for his bone mines. And the graveyard there, it’s the bone mines."

Wolves howls swamped the building.

"WOLVES, MIDNIGHT, DON’T YOU GET IT, THIS IS A DEATHTRAP!!!!" shouted Jokey as they ran away from a wolf, some window shutters were open and all the wolves used this to their advantage. The wolves scratched as they came in.

"OH, NO!!!" shouted Jokey, his leg was trapped within the wolf’s mouth.

"Hey, Joke!" said Sam

"Why did the chicken cross the road? See, the wolf doesn’t think its funny,"

"No, I mean Jokey."

"What?"

"Is that gun still loaded?"

"Yeah!" he said

"Then start shooting."

The elk butted Jokey in the back "Hi, Mr Moose, bye-bye Mr Moose." Jokey chortled as he ran away towards the stairs.

Another wolf came and grabbed Jokey by the other leg. "Oh, great," said Jokey. He got the gun and shot the two wolves. The rest of the wolves heard the shot, and came up to eat the two dead.

"We need to find out why there’s bone mining and animal testing within Darkwood Enterprises." Said Jokey as they went towards the cellars.

The cellar door burst open and Jokey rolled down a step into a wall. There was a sign ‘welcome to Darkwood Bone Mines, Welcome Tunnel 17’

The floor was nicely carpeted with bones, there were cameras watching Jokey and Sam as if they were gods. There were shelves with pick axes on them, probably for chopping bones. There was a book.

Lord William Darkwood,

Being a lover of industry

At the time,

Discovered that human bones

Seriously boiled and ground

Could make an interesting

Liquid

That could be dried in order

To make a strong

Chemical

To cure any

Pain or diseases

Animals had.

Rather than slaughter them.

While not dried,

It was perfectly safe for cleaning

Wood and plastics.

And a row of plaques hanged onto the wall. Jokey had a read of all of them.

The building was built in 1926

By P.J & Co

Builders, York,

Paid for Lord Darkwood in

Darkington.

Jokey and Sam walked through tunnel 17 until it came to a train station. ‘Darkwood Rail, where shall we take you today?’ they got on a train to the animal testing labs.

"Hey, what’s this hole?" said Jokey

"I don’t know, let me try it." Replied Sam.

He jumped down; Jokey heard a scream as Sam landed.

"HOLD ON, I’M COMING DOWN!!!" shouted Jokey and he also screamed.

"Oh, it’s a bit damp down here." Said Jokey.

"What do you think, it’s a stream." Sam informed Jokey. They floated on until they came to a huge drainpipe. "Swim in there."

‘Welcome to Darkwood Drainworks, annex 9.’

They walked on to a room with tunnels going to every place that Darkwood Enterprises owned.

"Blimey," said Jokey "These people own a lot.

And look, Mines, we didn’t have to come down that hole. We could have just gone on to these places by train."

"Look,"

"Oh, well, animal testing. may as well walk,"

"Where the heck are we." asked Sam.

"In a tunnel."

"But where in the tunnel."

"Give me the torch and I can answer that question."

"Shut up, Jokey, I can hear something ahead."

A noise approached them.

"What is it?"

There was a queue of Lorries and vans. There were cages upon cages of animals.

"Stay back mouthed Jokey to Sam. A professor stood complaining to a policeman. "They came in and stole my elk, brutally hit my assistant, and killed my dog by running over it."

"Right’o, sir, what kind of car did they drive."

"Modern VW van, it said Dealers Gold on the side in gold, green background where windows would be."

"What colour, sir?"

"White, sir!"

"OK, sir," said the policeman "We’ll go on your description and get back to you as soon as possible."

"So there’s where the elk came from," said Jokey.

"LOOK, THAT VAN!!" shouted Sam.

"Dealer’s gold, oh, right, Mr, Come back, you’ve stolen an elk."

"Look, over there, the Swan, my car," said Jokey

"What about mine," said Sam

They ran towards the Swan Hotel car park.

They ran in where a load of cars were parked, Jokey turned to the hired car "Uh, what’s that run down old thing?" said Sam looking at Jokey’s car "Can’t we take my Rolls?" he said.

"We don’t want it to get damaged, do we, we’ll take mine."

They sat in the car; Sam had sat on a cream doughnut.

"Oops." Said Jokey, Sam threw it out of the window.

Jokey started it up; he drove towards the animal testing labs. "There it is!" the van turned a corner; Jokey sped around with it and crashed into a dustbin. He turned onto the road again, they sped after the van. "Wow, today is bulging!" said Jokey,

"We spent an hour walking through that tunnel." Said Sam,

They forcefully sped on towards Gothland and the heart of the moors. "Be careful, Jokey,"

"I know. These moors roads don't half pack a punch."

"No, I was thinking more about the car breaking in half you’re going so fast." The van skidded left around a corner, followed by Jokey and Sam. "This road leads on to Whitby, we could be travelling another hour." They kept on driving and driving until they exited the Moors, they turned with the van.

They arrived at a lab. Two men got out of the van. They went into the lab, an old man greeted them. "Did you get the gold, boys?" he asked

"Yep!"

"Well, you’re next delivery is Darkwood Manor."

"Right" replied the two men in unison.

"And there’s a bonus today, I’m coming with you."

"To the train station."

"Look, Jokey, self destruct systems, the boilers."

"That’s where they must put the bones. After grinding."

Shall we go and check who’s in the manor, get them out and then blow it up,"

"What’s the point Jokey?"

"We’ll need a good explanation for this; we’ll be taken down as terrorists."

They followed the men to the third floor. Where the elk lay chained to the wall. Box upon box of bars of gold were put behind the elk. Jokey and Sam watched this, "Sam, have you got any WD40 ammo?"

"Yeah, I brought some with me." He rustled and shook around his bag "Bingo!" he said.

"Quickly, the guns as empty as the elevator in the Empire State building at midnight." Replied Jokey, he loaded the gun. "Good evening gentlemen." He said.

The police took the criminals and Jokey showed them the self destruct system "Well, now Brown’s dead, the buildings going to be knocked down." Jokey took the elk and turned the work-wheel, and ran all the way as tracks of fire were made all the way round the town. Spenny was taken into hospital, and then Wormworth Scrubs for a long prison sentence. The death car took Harry and Mr Brown just before the Manor exploded, Charlie Kirk’s brain was donated to medical science. "I didn’t exactly get the whole mystery." Said Jokey.

"So these people took over Darkwood Labs, Mr Brown had read every book of Lord William Darkwood’s files and he found out about the bones, and he thought it would save money for animal testing, the criminals stole the elk to hide gold, unreal. Then they used Darkwood Labs to smuggle gold by Darkwood Underground Railways."

Suddenly Steve came in "Hey, Jokey, the RSPCA are here, they’ve caught most of the wolves and they’re asking for the elk."

"But I’ve only just started my coffee."

"Well, they’ll lock me in a cage if I don’t give them that elk."

"Fine, I’m on my way."

"And there’s a meeting at The Swan."

They were all given their cheques. They said goodbye and went every which way home.

That night Jokey held a party on his boat. Sam was there. "Rum and cherryade, anyone?"

"No thanks Steve and Dot replied.

They made their way up the ladder.

"Well, I think it was worth going to Darkwood, never had so much fun in my life," Jokey said to Sam.

"Well, Jokey, see you."

Jokey turned off the radio, turned towards the light switch, flicked it, and went to bed.